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April 22, 2012

Double-Edged Sword

Having a diagnoses of Lyme disease is seriously a double-edged sword.  One one hand, I can have days like today where I dress nice, smile, laugh and enjoy my sisters bridal shower.  I small talk with friends and acquaintances whom I haven't seen in many months or years. Some of the people I saw today didn't even know I had gotten a diagnosis and I didn't tell them.  I can "pass" as a normal, healthy human being. The double-edged sword is that I am extremely sick and suffering behind my "fake it 'til I make it" disguise.  People can't easily recognize that I don't feel well. I often envy cancer patients who can walk around with a shaved head.  It's obvious they are in treatment and society as a whole is extra gentle towards those people. It's just a common courtesy. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish I had cancer, I just sometimes wish my invisible illness wasn't so invisible.  It is so hard having someone who has heard I am sick look me in the eyes and say "but you look so good!" Seriously, those words hurt so bad because all my pain, is hidden beneath the skin and I have to verbally say, "no really, I'm super sick. I do five infusions a day and many days I don't even get out of bed. This disease is really rough, but I'm pushing through". It's like I have to convince people. It's so frickin' stupid! I'm sick with Lyme disease. That is punishment enough. I don't need to convince you to believe me too!  I'm glad sometimes that I can melt into society and look normal, but normally I just want people to look past my dirty yoga pants, day old makeup, my greasy hair and be happy that I made it to see my baby sister off to prom.

Just because someone doesn't look sick does not mean they are healthy.  There are many illnesses that are called "invisible illnesses" for a reason.  I have a big appointment tomorrow that has me freaked out a little. I am so nervous and anxious and I am over exhausted.  Please keep me in your prayers tomorrow morning as I meet with a new specialist. 

Good night.

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